


Ernie and Bert are Dead

by Rymenhild



Category: Muppet Show, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead - Stoppard, Sesame Street (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-14
Updated: 2010-09-14
Packaged: 2017-10-11 19:41:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/116206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rymenhild/pseuds/Rymenhild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oh, hello, this Alistair Cookie for Monsterpiece Theatre. Today we have cheerful story about murder, revenge and grouch named Hamlet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ernie and Bert are Dead

**Author's Note:**

  * For [muchabstracted](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=muchabstracted).



> Originally posted in June 2005 as an extremely belated birthday present for Muchabstracted.

**Scene 1**

 _The curtain rises. COOKIE MONSTER is seated on a large chair in an elegantly appointed sitting room._

COOKIE: Oh, hello, this Alistair Cookie for Monsterpiece Theatre. Today we have cheerful story about murder, revenge and grouch named Hamlet. It named "Ernie and Bert are Dead".

 _The curtain falls._

 **Scene 2**

 _The curtain rises on a blank, gray space separated from the audience by a waist-high gray barrier. ERNIE and BERT are standing behind the barrier. Both are wearing Elizabethan-style hats. BERT is removing coins from a bag and spinning them in the air. The coins fall on the barrier; ERNIE peers at each one, announces "heads," and puts the coin in his own bag._

ERNIE: Heads. ( _He collects the coin from the barrier and adds it to his bag. Pause, as Bert tosses again._ ) Heads.

BERT: The laws of probability would suggest that if five Muppets… five Muppets tossed five coins… wait, we're not on _Square One_. ( _He tosses another coin._ )

ERNIE: What about _Square One_? I like _Square One_. Heads. ( _He takes the coin._ )

BERT: I like _Square One_ too. That's not the point. ( _He tosses._ )

ERNIE: Heads. Why are we talking about _Square One_ anyway? ( _He collects the coin. His bag is looking full._ )

BERT: Because we don't have probability theory on Sesame Street. ( _He tosses. His bag is about empty._ )

ERNIE: Maybe that's why you always lose. Heads. ( _He takes the coin._ )

BERT: I don't think I like this game. ( _He shakes his bag out to find it empty._ )

ERNIE: You know, it could be worse.

BERT: How?

ERNIE: We could be betting on your bottle-cap collection.

 _GROVER enters from stage left, wearing a red cape and pulling a cart of props._

GROVER: I am Grover, the one-monster acting troupe! I can perform tragedies ( _lifting a frowning mask before his face_ ), comedies ( _with a smiling mask_ ), murders ( _taking a sword from the prop cart and extending it towards BERT, who ducks_ ), tales of pirates carrying off maidens, maidens carrying off pirates, pirates carrying off Chinese take-out, and there was something else… Oh yes. If you're Bert ( _pointing to ERNIE_ ) and you're Ernie ( _pointing to BERT_ ), I have a letter for you from Elsinore.

ERNIE: Where can we get some Chinese take-out?

BERT: How can we get the letter?

ERNIE: Who's Elsinore?

 _GROVER turns in a melodramatic swirl of his cape and digs into the prop cart. Objects, including a powdered wig, a rubber duckie, a fortune cookie, a tuba and a suit of armor, go flying in all directions. At last GROVER stands, triumphantly waving a scroll tied in red ribbon._

GROVER: Here you go, Ernie, one letter. ( _He passes the scroll to BERT._ )

ERNIE: Wait, I thought I was supposed to get the letter.

 _Ignoring ERNIE, BERT unrolls the scroll and reads._

BERT: 'Dear Bert and Ernie, my son Hamlet's been grouchy lately and I don't know why. Please come to the palace and find out what's wrong with him. Love and kisses, Queen Gertrude.'

ERNIE: Queen Gertrude? I thought the letter was from Elsinore.

 _The curtain drops._

 **Scene 3**

 _When the curtain rises again, ERNIE and BERT are standing in a large throne room. Not far from them stands OSCAR THE GROUCH, wearing a black trashcan. The orange worm SLIMEY is sitting on his arm. ERNIE and BERT are staring at OSCAR, but OSCAR does not seem to see them._

OSCAR: ( _addressing SLIMEY_ ) Count von Claudius doesn't understand why I'm so grouchy lately. He took away all the trash that was rightfully mine. It isn't fair.

SLIMEY: ( _squeaks in agreement and shakes his head_ )

OSCAR: Also, he killed my father.

 _A flourish. OSCAR leaves the room, stage left; at the same moment, the COUNT and MISS PIGGY enter, stage right. MISS PIGGY wears a jeweled crown. The COUNT is dressed as usual, with black cape and pointy collar; he is holding an extraordinary range of rather dirty items._

MISS PIGGY: Welcome to Elsinore, Bert ( _nodding to ERNIE_ ) and Ernie ( _nodding to BERT_ ). I am Queen Gertrude, and this is Count von Claudius, my new fiancé.

COUNT: One torn-up newspaper! Two sneakers with holes in the bottoms! Four empty sandwich bags! One bag with a moldy sandwich still in it! Eight pieces of trash! Ahahahaha! ( _Thunder cracks and lightning flashes just as the COUNT says "eight"._ )

ERNIE: I'm afraid you've gotten that wrong. You see, I'm Ernie, and he's Bert.

MISS PIGGY: ( _sheepishly_ ) That's what I said. Heh heh heh. Anyway, Bert –

ERNIE: That's Ernie.

MISS PIGGY: Bert, we want you and your friend Ernie to investigate why Prince Hamlet is so grouchy lately.

BERT: Is Prince Hamlet a green fellow wearing a black trashcan?

MISS PIGGY: My son has not inherited my sense of style.

 _Curtain._

 **Scene 4**

 _Curtain opens to show OSCAR standing on a balcony, staring glumly at a HAWK and a HANDSAW. A brass weathervane on the balcony is spinning; it stops at north-north-west for a moment, but ends up pointing southeast. ERNIE and BERT join OSCAR on the balcony._

BERT: Are you Prince Hamlet?

OSCAR: No, I'm a merchant from Venice.

ERNIE: Where's Venice?

 _The weathervane spins back to north-north-west._

OSCAR: Of course I'm Prince Hamlet.

BERT: Prince Hamlet, we have a question for you.

ERNIE: We hear you're having a bad month. We were wondering why that is.

OSCAR: Why am I having a bad month? You. have to ask why I'm having a bad month? Count von Claudius took away my trash. All of my lovely stinking trash. My whole foul and pestilent congregation of vapours.

ERNIE: Well, maybe you don't have to have a bad month.

BERT: Yeah, maybe we could do something to make your month better.

ERNIE: We were wondering if you'd like to put on a play.

OSCAR: ( _looking up from the hawk and handsaw_ ) A play?

BERT: ( _looking at Ernie, startled_ ) A play? We didn't talk about a play.

ERNIE: We know this great actor, you see…

 _ERNIE whispers in OSCAR and BERT's ears for a while. They look skeptical at first, but then seem to warm to whatever ERNIE is telling them. Curtain drops while ERNIE, OSCAR and BERT are still talking._

 **Scene 5**

 _The curtain opens on a large theatre draped in red velvet and gilt; it is full. The audience includes a wide range of humans and Muppets. OSCAR, ERNIE and BERT sit together on the left side of the theatre in the front; MISS PIGGY and the COUNT sit together on the right. Two crotchety old Muppets, STATLER and WALDORF, sit in a high box. There is a FROG in the very back row; he is wearing a large hat, dark glasses and an exceedingly fake-looking mustache._

GROVER: ( _jumping onstage with a flourish_ ) Today I shall perform a play for you that has nothing to do with anything at all. It's about ( _swinging on a black cloak with a pointy collar_ ) an evil count with a bad Transylvanian accent. He falls in love with a large-nosed queen— ( _doffing the cloak and stretching a pig-nose mask over his face_ )

MISS PIGGY: ( _stamping her foot_ ) Hey!

GROVER: He falls in love with a beautiful queen with unparalleled fashion sense—

STATLER: ( _calling down from the balcony_ ) Make up your mind!

WALDORF: ( _to STADLER_ ) He doesn't have a mind.

STATLER: That's why he has to make it up!

( _STATLER and WALDORF laugh._ )

MISS PIGGY: ( _slightly mollified_ ) Humph.

GROVER: But there is a problem. You see, the beautiful queen with unparalleled fashion sense is already married to ( _removing the pig-nose mask, and pulling on a shiny crown_ ) a great and wise king. ( _Grover drops the crown on the stage, runs to the other side of the stage, and puts the black cloak back on._ ) So the evil count decides to kill the great and wise king. ( _GROVER lifts a plastic sword from the floor and runs across the stage screaming. When he reaches the crown, he stops abruptly, drops the cape and sword, lifts up the crown and puts it on._ ) No! You have killed me, evil count! AAAGH! ( _GROVER waves his arms and collapses. The crown falls off of his head. He gets up immediately and puts the cloak back on._ ) Hurrah! The king is dead! Now I can marry Gertrude.

 _MISS PIGGY stamps her foot harder this time._

GROVER: I mean the beautiful queen with unparalleled fashion sense. I hear her son has some nice trash I can steal, too.

ONE AUDIENCE MEMBER: That isn't fair!

ANOTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER: No, it isn't fair!

 _The AUDIENCE breaks into muttering complaint._

COUNT: One tear of guilt and self-loathing trickling down my nose! Two tears of guilt and self-loathing trickling down my nose! Three! Three tears of guilt and self-loathing! Ahahahahah! ( _Thunder and lightning._ ) I will give you back all of your trash, Hamlet. I am sorry I stole it from you. ( _Aside_ ) It smells bad, anyway. ( _Turning back to OSCAR_ ) Here. Have a rotten banana.

OSCAR: ( _taking the banana_ ) Well, I suppose I should say thank you. ( _Beat_ ) But I won't.

MISS PIGGY: I'm sorry, Count von Claudius, but I don't think I can be with you any more. You see, I miss ( _beat, sniff_ ) Kermie.  
 _There is a commotion in the back of the theatre. The FROG stands, removing hat, glasses and mustache; he is revealed as KERMIT._

KERMIT: ( _calling towards the dais_ ) Do you really, Gertrude?

MISS PIGGY: Kermit, I can explain!

COUNT: One! One ghost with sickly green skin tone!

KERMIT: I'm not a ghost. You see, I'm not dead.

MISS PIGGY: ( _running towards KERMIT, arms open_ ) Kermit, I am so happy to hear that!

KERMIT: ( _ducking MISS PIGGY's embrace_ ) I'm glad, Gertrude.

COUNT: ( _forlorn_ ) Does that mean we're not engaged?

STATLER: Hey, what happened to the play?

WALDORF: We're better off without it.

 _There is a pause. EVERYONE looks vaguely confused._

ERNIE: Hey, Bert?

BERT: Yes, Ernie?

ERNIE: If the play is called "Ernie and Bert Are Dead", and this is the end of the play, shouldn't we be dead?

GROVER: We'll just have to fix that!

OSCAR: Yeah!

SLIMEY: ( _squeaks and nods in agreement_ )

MISS PIGGY: Yeah!

THE COUNT: Yes!

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

 _THE COUNT, MISS PIGGY, OSCAR, GROVER, KERMIT and the AUDIENCE run toward ERNIE and BERT. There is a fight involving large quantities of flying dust, MISS PIGGY's famed karate chop, and occasional Muppets being tossed in the air. We see one clear image of BERT putting his head in his hands and groaning before the curtain falls._


End file.
